“What does self care look like for me? With all that I am doing to try to be a great parent, how do I ensure I show up at my best? Do I really make time for myself? Do I have Me time?” 

I realized as a parent that I did a lot of deferring of my own needs. I'd forget to brush my teeth or bring a sweater for myself, when I had more than enough sweaters for my children. When I was nursing my babies I remember being thankful for the mirror by the door that, with a quick peek, reminded me that I had forgotten to take care of myself before I left the house. We have heard the  reminder from the flight attendant to put our own mask on before the mask on our child.

So...how do we care for ourselves?

Step 1. We need to teach our children to respect us.  Yes, for their sakes, they need to be taught to appreciate you. The first step to doing that is to respect ourselves. To carve out time for yourself, you need to train your children to wait, that there are times they need to be quiet, that they do not need to be the centre of attention. They will learn to respect those boundaries. This skill will carry forward for them in the skill of respecting teachers, grandparents and their fellow person.. In turn, as they respect others, they will receive respect. As a high school teacher, I am continually impressed by those students who take the time to thank me for the instruction or for the added help I offered. I have great respect for that.

If you are thinking… Yes, children are self focused by nature, it's not their fault, it is part of their development. You are right. That is where we all start.  In addition, as described in the ‘marshmallow effect’ experiment, the ability to wait, to put their immediate needs in the context of a greater goal will result in higher achievement.  The marshmallow effect case study demonstrated that young children who waited to eat the marshmallow in front of them with a reward offered to get 2, showed, over a longitudinal study, a higher IQ than the children who did not wait, only getting one. Their ability to delay gratification was directly linked to a higher  cognitive development. Learning to delay gratification doesn’t just happen to them, we, as parents train this by teaching them to delay their needs for a higher goal.  By prioritizing our own self care, we can care for our children better over the long haul as they learn to  delay their immediate needs for a higher goal.

This philosophy meant that my husband and I prioritized couple time also. A weekly date night , a quarterly weekend to ourselves, a yearly week away. At first, this felt to me ,as a mom, like I was abandoning my children. They clung to my ankles or at later stages spoke of the loss or boredom of having to be cared for by the grandparents or the tension with a peer in the friends’ family who were caring for them. But guess what...now as adults they reference the things they learned being in the friends home or the memorable connection time with their grandparent. Learning that mom and dad took time away was a great investment in their future - a model of a healthy marriage.

Yes, you love your children. Yes, you are learning to be the best parent. Yes, you are your best self when you care for you. You are the leader. You need to sharpen the saw.  Keep your tools sharp by investing in you.

What does investing in you look like?

• Observe your Time. When you had time, what do you enjoy? Remember what brought you joy.
• Brainstorm. Take an evening on your own or with your spouse and brainstorm ideas as if there are no barriers. what's possible?
• Identify barriers and address them. Bit by bit look for creative ways around those barriers...what is the driving need and how you might make time for your interests differently?

For example, I am a people person.  During covid, those people that I used to walk with, I pivoted and instead called them on the phone and walked at the same time. We still walked together, connected over the phone, but on separate paths. In fact, I connected with people from my past and across geographical regions because I was not limited to walking side by side in person. 

I am not trying to tell you that this is easy in any way. But it is possible. I would suggest you start by implementing one of the things that I have mentioned above and begin.  A moving vehicle is easier to steer than one that is standing still. Just start!