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Establishing Boundaries That Support Not Inhibit
September 3, 2021
Can boundaries promote freedom?
How do we frame up our success? In a culture that promotes freedom, boundaries seem like a negative idea. This might seem like a contradictory statement but do you think that boundaries can in fact promote freedom?
I know I do. To illustrate this concept, let me tell you a story...
There was an elementary school that had a full yard around it and a fence. The children would play in the full area of the fence enclosure. One day, the fence needed to be repaired, so it was taken down. The space around the school still existed, but without the fence, the children did not play to the full extent of the grounds. Instead, without the fence, the children played around the perimeter of the school, hugging the brick walls. Without the boundary fence, the sense of safety was reduced and the children played close to the walls of the school.
In my own experience raising my own children , working as a teacher for 30 years and in working with adolescents, clear boundaries bring safety. More active and challenging children actually need clear boundaries more than others; odd but true. Vague and unspoken rules bring more confusion and unrest.
Have I made a compelling argument? Do you think that boundaries can promote freedom?
Do you think it is worth taking some time to help create a structure with your child's input to bring more ease and success in their academic journey?
If this seems like the right move for you to take, I would suggest the following:
- Take the time with your children in preparing for school to talk through clear boundaries.
- Invite them into the process of establishing a clear structure for their school year.
- Consider writing it down and posting it somewhere visible and easy to check.
Can the structure be flexible?
Well yes and no. No, not under discussion daily. No means no. However, the structure can be like a 'draft' or first try schedule. It can be adapted at a designated pre appointed time. Perhaps visit the boundaries after a week. Then monthly. Avoid the temptation to revisit these boundaries daily. Children will play to the extent of those boundaries and test the line. Letting them adjust them or question them daily will just bring confusion and steal a lot of everyone’s time. Hold the structure until your next meeting. You know these boundaries will bring ease and , as children, it will take them some time to see this.
Take the time now to have the conversation and set up the boundaries for the first week. Set up a meeting for the Sunday or two Sundays after the start of the fall to revisit questions. If your child has concerns, have them put them on a meeting agenda list to be discussed at the next meeting. They will feel heard, and once the two week period is over and the meeting is there, many of the small foibles may have worked themselves out. In the meantime, because they are written on the agenda, they know they will be addressed and the daily banter that can happen around rules will be eliminated.
Boundaries bring safety. Give your child a voice in the structure to ensure their concerns are heard and addressed within the boundaries of a clear rhythm. Hold to the structure for enough time to see the results. When those results come, help your child make the connection between their success and the daily reinforcement work they did within the structured time. Their results will reinforce the helpful boundaries.
You can do this!
Welcome to Episode 1 of Their Best Parent!
I invite you to pause and reflect on a few key tips for prioritizing what matters most in your child’s academic success, so that we, as parents, can be our child’s best support.
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If you're like me, you could use a bit of inspiration. I find students motivate me; because they have that hard-to-manufacture quality called hope. If you need inspiration, this one's for you!
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Do you catch your child when they are winning? Do you praise their victories? Or are you more likely to notice when they fail? As parents, our role is imperative. Catch your child winning and remind them of what they are good at. This will help them when they do fail. Check out this blog post for more on this.
Learning to partner with your child for their academic results. Your child needs your support and needs to feel some autonomy with their learning. Check out this blog post for more :)
Sometimes, as parents, we are just trying to get through the day to day. We forget to realize that our inattentive nature is hindering our child's learning. This is something that we can't ignore. This is an opportunity, not a criticism. Try for a week and see the impact in your child. I promise it will be fruitful.
How do you respond when things go wrong? I know for me, I have seen better days. We are only human. But. there are a significant number of studies that prove that responding with a growth mindset when things go wrong has a huge impact on your learning and the learning of your child.